Guest stars: Stephanie Sheh as Rachel, Fred Tatasciore as Al, Debra Wilson as Claire Bailey

Guest stars: Gilbert Gottfried as The Fixer, Jamar Malachi Neighbors as Moey D, Fred Tatasciore as Officer Troy, Debra Wilson as Antiques Appraisals Audio

As the Hornsbys celebrate Theodore Hornsby Sr.'s birthday party despite some setbacks, Theodore Hornsby Sr. flashes back to the day when he and his former partner Luther Dennison had a falling out which led to Luther forming Dennison Snacks. Theodore reads a letter from a man named Mayworth, who worked on his first wheat farm, asking for his help. He ends up going out to help them when confronted by the ghost of a boy who died after eating Royal Crackers. During his travels, Theodore stays at the house of the Bartleby family where their daughter develops a crush on him and he discovers that they are cannibals. After escaping with help from the ghost boy, Theodore makes it to the Mayworth homestead as the daughter of the Bartleby family talks the rest out of harming Theodore and the family inside. When he enters the house, he finds skeletons of the family. The ghost boy reveals that he is actually the Mayworth's daughter, having only brought Theodore there to witness the result of his greed before vanishing. Distraught, Theodore leaves the house and spitefully declares he was wrong to ever doubt his greedy ways. Back in the present, Rob and Mel Dennison bring an elderly and paraplegic Luther to the Hornsby's house. When alone with Theodore, Luther types on his speech-generating device that his wealth gave him no closure over their falling out and that he still considers him a friend while wishing him a happy birthday. Theodore briefly snaps out of his sleep state and strangles Luther to death as he tries to call for Rob. The episode ends with a shot of the two elderly men on the ground as two pictures on the walls come into view: one of Theodore on his wheat farm and the other of Theodore and the Bartleby's daughter, now Theodore's wife, with a young Stebe and Theo.

The Hornsbys are invited on a cruise by known billionaire George Zeebos as the struggle to fit in where anyone who does not live up to his expertise gets thrown overboard and eaten by sharks. Matt befriends George's robotic servant Tonya and develops a crush on her. After things go horribly awry, George sees that they don't have the same level of wealth as he does and plans to have them thrown to the sharks. Tonya helps the Hornsbys get away from the crowd. George sprouts mechanical tentacles and attacks the Hornsbys only for Tonya to sacrifice herself to destroy the ship and by the Hornsbys time to get off the shop. Back on shore, everyone heads home as Matt is mocked by his parents and Theo for dating a robot. Tonya's body sinks to the bottom of the ocean. In the post-credits, George washes ashore somewhere and plans his revenge on the Hornsbys.

In the 1800s, a Mexican archaeological group overseen by the Mexican army uncovers a chalice. The daughter of one of the soldiers grabs it and loses her hands. As the traps are set off, the chalice transports the girl out of the cave as everyone else perishes. In the present, Stebe has procured the box of Royal Crackers to appear on a Latin-American sitcom called "Casa De Papa". As Stebe, Deb, and Theo head to Burbank, California, Darby watches over Theodore as he procured the wrong car where they expected the vehicle that was one of the prizes for McDonald's Monopoly. Once Stebe, Deb, and Theo are on the set of "Casa De Papa", they watch the show in action where one of the characters eats the box of Royal Crackers and suffers a diarrhea side-effect that ends up killing the character much to the dismay of Stebe. Back at home, two criminals known as the Joey and Davey who are members of the Earl Grey Bandits plan to raid the house to get the chalice that fell into Theo's possession. Darby works to defend Theo and the household Home Alone style which doesn't go well. He and Theodore are taken captive by the Earl Grey Bandits as their client known as the Traveler (the same girl from the past who now sports cybernetic hands) arrives and tortures Darby on where the location of the chalice is. He tells them after Joey does the "tea bagging" to Theodore that explains why they are called the Earl Grey Bandits. As the Traveler gets the chalice, Darby breaks free and pursues the Traveler and the Earl Grey Bandits. Darby gets the chalice back with the Traveler and the Earl Grey Bandits dying in the process. The chalice transports Darby to the past where he goes to McDonald's and takes part in the McDonalds' Monopoly. Afterwards, Darby returns to the present just as Stebe, Deb, and Theo return home and find the car that Darby was supposed to procure for them in the garage. As everyone enters the house, Theo is heard asking Darby if he washed his chalice.

In light of the upcoming CrackerCon, Stebe shows off his new mascot for Royal Crackers to Deb called Captain Cracker as Deb gets aroused by the design of the costume. When Stebe tries to pitch it at the meeting, Theo overshadows him by pitching a cracker cannon which everyone but Stebe approves of. When at CrackerCon, the Hornsbys find that the Dennisons are in attendance. After a neglected Stebe leaves CrackerCon, Deb and Matt maintain the Royal Crackers Booth as Theo leads Darby, Rachel, and Al into finding a former stripper associate of his named Hazelnut to help with his presentation. Outside, Stebe gives some food to a yellow canary and ends up fighting a seagull that stole it. Rob Dennison learns of the cracker cannon and secretly steals it which he denies upon being confronted by Deb. After some setbacks at the strip club and the location of Hazelnut's parents, Theo finds her only to discover that Hazelnut has a family of her own. A saddened Theo gives his presentation which does not go well. Rob then does his demonstration with the stolen cracker cannon by loading food from Dennison' Snacks into it in order to combat an animatronic dinosaur head called Snackasaurus. Due to a malfunction backstage upon a crew member accidentally spilling his drink on the controls when ordered to turn down the fire-breathing level, Snackasaurus goes berserk and starts burning everything and everyone causing the Dennisons to flee. In the nick of time, Stebe appears in his Captain Cracker outfit as its fireproof traits help him protect his family and the surviving attendees followed by Captain Cracker using the Cracker Cannon at full power to destroy Snackasaurus. As Stebe and Deb make out, Hazelnut arrives stating to Theo that she left her other life as they make out. Darby is approached by the stripper that briefly touched him and they make out as Rachel and Al are shown giving positive reaction towards the make outs.

Matt gives a report about his passion for the video game Craftopia as a school project as his teacher, the internet prankster Zane, and his fellow classmates laugh at him. When Matt's computer is destroyed by Zane who claimed to the Feds that Matt's room was the hiding place of a known terrorist, he takes a job at Royal Crackers to save enough money to buy a replacement as Stebe won't procure him a replacement. He is placed in the tasting department. Al receives a call from the corporate level and is told to bring Matt up there. Upon arrival, Matt finds that the corporate level is run by an A.I. version of Theodore Hornsby Sr. where its controls are run through a Linksys modem as it claims to Matt that he would be a worthy successor to the real Theodore Hornsby Sr. than Stebe and Theo. Although the Theodore Hornsby Sr. A.I. helps Matt by blackmailing Matt's teacher into doing a prank on Zane by claiming that his parents died in a car accident, he wants Matt to abandon Craftopia by wrecking what he has worked on building there and straining his relationship with a fellow player. Al finds out that there is a surgical scar in the head of one of the tasting department workers as the Theodore Hornsby Sr. A.I. plans to have a surgeon place a chip in Matt so that he can live on in him like what he did to the tasting department members. Al thwarts the Theodore Hornsby Sr. A.I.'s plans by doing the same prank that Zane did on Matt as feds raid Royal Crackers shooting up everything, killing the surgeon, and destroying the Linksys modem enough to remove the control that the Theodore Hornsby Sr. A.I. has. Upon returning home, Matt finds a package that is implied to have been purchased by the real Theodore Hornsby Sr. It is a computer which Matt sets up in his room. He enters Craftopia, rebuilds everything there, moves his bed into the range of his computer, and lies on it until a ding is heard.