Psychologist. One who sticks pins into babies, and then makes a chart showing the ebb and flow of their yells.

Psychotherapy. The theory that the patient will probably get well anyhow, and is certainly a damned fool.

Quack. A physician who has decided to admit it.

Reformer. A hangman signing a petition against vivisection.

Remorse. Regret that one waited so long to do it.

Self-Respect. The secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious.

Sob. a sound made by women, babies, tenors, fashionable clergymen, actors and drunken men.

Socialism. The theory that John Smith is better than his superiors.

Suicide. A belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives.

Sunday. A day given over by Americans to wishing that they themselves were dead and in Heaven, and that their neighbors were dead and in Hell.

Sunday School. A prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.