If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am.
I'm a genuine philanthropist -- all other kinds are sham.

Each little fault of grammar and each social defect
In my erring fellow-creatures I endeavor to correct.

To all of their deficiencies I ·open people's eyes,
And little plans to decimate their egos I devise.

I do all the good I can do from the moment I awake,
Yet many people say that I am rather hard to take.
⁠And I can't think why!

To compliments excessive I've a withering reply,
And vanity I always do my best to mortify.

A charitable action I can skillfully dissect.
A motive that's ulterior I'm happy to detect.

If someone does admit a fault, I nonetheless insist
On calling his attention to the ones he may have missed.

I have a gift for crushing repartee, I must admit,
But nobody appreciates the brilliance of my wit.
⁠And I can't think why!

Although I am opinionated, no one should object.
How fortunate I am that my opinions are correct!

I point out people's weaknesses before they leave the room.

I enjoy correcting people who say "who" instead of "whom."

I always say whatever's on my mind, that's very true.
I can tell a person's age in half a minute --- and I do.

And yet no matter how I try to benefit mankind,
Still everybody says that I'm a pain in the behind.
⁠And I can't think why!